2019-12-29

#218: Rob Boss

[Fred is sitting on the couch. A TV remote and chip bag with chips are strewn across it. Amanda is standing next to him.] Amanda: Whatcha doing? Fred: Watching Rob Boss. [We see the TV screen. We see "Rob Boss", an angry figure with the signature afro of Bob Ross, but with stubble. He is holding a black painter's pallete made of glass with his initials on it.] Rob Boss: I'm ROB BOSS. And this is how you PAINT. The ONLY way to paint. All that other stuff is pure GARBAGE. [We zoom into the canvas, on which he is haphazardly splattering green paint with his two-inch brush.] Rob Boss: Now I'm gonna make an angry little tree here. SFX: SPLAT [We zoom out. The easel has a splatter of torn paper and green paint as a "tree" where Rob Boss has painted.] Rob Boss: Don't like it? DEAL WITH IT.
Ok, ready for your bravery test? *chuckles* *throws palette at canvas*

2019-12-25

#217: Crowdfunding

[Max and Grady are walking together. Grady looks slightly annoyed.] Max: Hey Dad, Mom told me Santa flies around the world giving toys to good children! [Grady turns around towards Max.] Grady: That's ridiculous. How would he get the money for that? [A screenshot of a Kickstarter for Santa Claus.] CAPTION: Santa's Workshop - $45.7M pledged - 3M backers - 3 days to go
 There are rumors that Santa actually compromises business email accounts and wires money to scam bank accounts, and that the whole Kickstarter thing is just a cover.

2019-12-07

#213: Coder Life

[A black hatted sillouhette is standing in cascading green binary.] CAPTION: WHAT MY PARENTS THINK I DO [A determined coder is sitting at his desk, confidently staring at several monitors displaying code and strange symbols, windows, and charts. We may never know what this dope dude is doing, he's so leet.] CAPTION: WHAT I THINK I DO [A frustrated coder is smashing his laptop with a sledgehammer. He has started an electrical fire. He doesn't care. HIS CODE ISNT WORKING HE NEED SMASH.] CAPTION: WHAT I ACTUALLY DO
I recently waded through a bunch of uncommented code, then redesigned it completely...AND IT WORKED. It was (*puts on sunglasses*) dope.

2019-11-25

#211: Not Again (Part Four)

[Alex is sitting in a bed. The window lock rattles and then unlocks.] SFX: RATTLE RATTLE CLICK [A balding doctor with black curls on either side of his head falls out.] SFX: SHF! Doctor: AGH! [He looks up at Alex.] Doctor: ? [He walks over. Alex is disbeleiving after Doctor speaks.] Doctor: Oh, hello! I see our pig brought some new patients! Alex: You're the doctor? [Doctor points his thumbs towards himself.] Doctor: That's me! [Doctor trips and flies through the air over Alex's bed, unexplicably. Alex is bewildered.] Doctor: WAUGH! [He lands off-panel.] SFX (off-panel): THUD Alex: You okay? [We zoom in on Alex's face.] Doctor (off-panel): Yeah. I may be clumsy, but I don't break easily! [Doctor has walked over to Alex's bedside. He is now holding the pig from the previous comic.] Doctor: I'd like you to meet our magic pig. Alex: "Magic?" [The pig's eyes turn all-knowing and green. The background behind him is replaced with a timeless, powerful space background. Green electricity shoots from the pig's eyes.] SFX: KZZT
< First You sure don't wanna mess with this pig! ⚡⚡๐Ÿท๐Ÿง™‍♂️⚡⚡

2019-11-09

#209: Not Again (Part Two)

[Max is kneeling over a hole.] Max: Hmm... Alex: Help? [Max walks away, and has a lightbulb over his head.] [He comes back holding a rope into the hole.] Max: Climb this! [In the hole, Alex tries to climb the rope.] Alex: HRNGHH [Alex falls as the rope goes from taut to loose.] Alex: ?! [Max lands on Alex, holding the rope. Alex has pulled him down! Alex is surprised.] SFX: WHUMP [We zoom out.] Alex: Great. We're stuck down here with no one to help us. Things can't get any wor- [Max lunges toward Alex, panic in his eyes.] Max: DON'T- [The ground gives way beneath them.] SFX: CRUMBLE Max: -jinx it.
๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ•ณ The god of deep holes in the ground takes no pity on mortals.

2019-10-29

#206: Candy

[There is a line of sugary products, from LESS DIRECT to MORE DIRECT. Each product is drawn with a label and a quote.] KIDS VITAMINS: "Good for you!" KIDS CEREAL: "Good-ish for you." CHOCLOATE BAR, LOLLIPOP: "Fine, I admit it. I really am candy." FUN DIP: "I WANT SUGAR! GIVE ME SUGAR!"
No one gives out vitamins or cereal for Halloween, though. Yet... ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ’Š๐Ÿฅฃ BTW, #Jellyfish4Halloween2019๐Ÿ™

2019-10-21

2019-10-07

#204: Easily Offended

[Fred is standing next to Amanda holding a phone.] Phone: [Thumbs down] Fred: My social media posts keep offending people. Amanda: Try posting a cat video! Who could that offend? [Amanda holds up a tabby.] Fred: Hey, yeah! Can I borrow your cat? Amanda: Sure. Cat: MROWW [A screenshot of Facetweet. The post has a cat picture.] @fredjean: Cute kitty ๐Ÿฅบ๐Ÿฑ ???: This is a grim commentary on the role of pets in society... [Back to reality. Fred is throwing phone in the air.] Fred: AUGHHHHHHHH!
"This webcomic post waves away the gruesome fact that people are so easily manipulated by social media corporations... Read more (1204 words)"

2019-10-05

#203: Genie

[Fred is walking toward a golden Aladdin-style oil lamp.] Fred: Whoa, a cool lamp. [Fred picks up the lamp.] SFX: RUB RUB [A genie comes out of the lamp.] SFX: FOOF [Camera facing towards genie. Genie is holding lamp.] Genie: YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM THE LAMP. YOU HAVE THREE WISHES. WHAT DOES YOUR HEART DESIRE, MORTAL? [Fred is running away.] Fred: AAAAAAA
I'm now publishing only on weekends. We'll see how it works out! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ“…๐Ÿ“†๐Ÿ—“

2019-09-25

#202: Batman (Part Six)

[A buff Garfield is leaping into the air. There are two close-ups in a sub-panel.] Garfield: HI-YA! [Garfield is legit pwning the bats.] SFX: PUNCH WHIZ POW BOP BAM ZAP POW ZONG Garfield (singing): Na na na na na Garfield! / Bats don't stand a chance, no, no [Garfield is balancing on his left hand and the Bats are fleeing through the window. Max is dressed up with a black helmet with pointy ears and white glowing eyes.] Garfield (singing): When Garfield's arounnnnd! Bats: SKREE! SKREE! Dr. Bruce Wayne and Max: WOOOO! [Garfield bowing.] Garfield: Thank you, thank you. But the job's not over yet. Off-panel: It's NOT? Garfield: NO! There are EVIL BATS on the loose! We MUST protect Margonsfield! WE WILL STOP THEM!" Bruce and Max: YEAH! [A night cityscape. A bat helmet logo is projected in the sky. Garfield, Bruce, and Max are heroically standing on a building.] CAPTION: AND SO, OUR STORY ENDS, AND IT IS UP TO OUR HEROES TO DEFEND THE CITY FROM EVIL BATS. MESSAGE WRITTEN IN STARS: THE END
The series ends. Rest safe, because Bufffield, Dr. Bruce, and Max watch over your town. ๐Ÿฆ‡๐Ÿฆ‡๐Ÿฆ‡ vs. ๐Ÿฑ๐Ÿ’ช+๐Ÿ‘จ‍๐Ÿ”ฌ+๐Ÿ‘ฆ = ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐ŸŒƒ

2019-09-23

#201: Batman (Part Five)

[A bunch of bats.] Bats: SKREE! SKREE! [Max is kneeling, dressed in Batman helmet, cape, gold jewled Thanos glove and tank with welding nozzle. White Bats are shooting from the nozzle.] Max: YAHH! White Bats: SKREE! SKREE! [The Black Bats and White Bats steer around each other.] Both Bats: SKREE! SKREE! [White Bats fly out the window, while Black Bats attack Bruce Wayne.] Both Bats: SKREE! SKREE! Bruce: AUGH! [Focusing on Max.] Max: Sigh... Time for PLAN B. Off-panel Bruce: OW OW OW! [Close-up of Max's glove, snapping his fingers, black and white pattern in background.] SFX: SNAP [Garfield, buff, appears.] SFX: POOF Garfield: 'Sup Max: Garfield, GO!
Buff + Garfield = Buffield or Bufffield? Or Buff-field? ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ‹️‍♀️๐Ÿ˜น

2019-09-11

#198: Batman (Part Two)

Dr. Bruce Wayne slams the door behind him. "MAX, we MUST get to SAFETY! This DOOR won't hold for LONG!" "Uh-huh." says Max. BAM BAM "...Max?" asks Bruce. Max has wandered off-panel. Next panel: He is wearing a golden jewled glove and an eagle is on his hand. "Whoosa good boy?" "Purrrrr" says the eagle. "MAX! That's my PRIZE EAGLE! Don't-" CRASH SKREE! comes from off-panel. "CHARGE!" shouts Max, raising his fist. The eagle flies off-panel. He snaps his fingers. SNAP His fingers sparkle and everything turns to outer space and back again. Eagle turns into phoenix and speeds toward cloud of bats. GROWLL! says Eagle. SKREE! say Bats. WOOOO! says Max. There is a BOMM and an explosion. The bats are roasted. SCREECH HISS
Some of you will recognize that as Thanos's glove from Endgame! ๐Ÿงค #CoolGloveDude I confess, I have never watched Endgame and only know about it from the Google easter egg you get from Googling "thanos".

2019-09-08

#197: Batman (Part One)

Who else is going to be Batman from a parallel universe where he's from Maryland and has a T-shirt with the awesome Maryland flag on it? ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฆ‡ #batman #halloween2019

2019-09-06

#196: The Other Side (Part Ten)

The Pillbug, Elaine as an ant, and Max are falling through space, glowing blue. YAAAAAY says Max. "Whoa!" he says as a portal appears. ZAP Out of the other side they come into a room with a green lamp. Elaine is back in human form. "Wheee!" says Max. "AUGHHH!" says Elaine. They all land with a WHUMP. "Hey, returning to Earth restored you to human form!" says Max. "Hey, yeah! Who wants deep-fried saltines?" says Elaine. "Deep-fried saltines?" says the Pillbug. "They're really good." says Max. "Okaaay..." says the Pillbug.
Sorry for not posting lately! I guess I got pretty lazy... Anyway, this is the final installment in the "The Other Side" series! Yay!

2019-08-25

2019-08-16

2019-08-07

#186: Walm*rt

Fred is talking to Grady. They are on an airplane seat and Fred is next to the window. Fred says "So I was at Walmart and-" CRASH the ceiling breaks apart. A Walmart worker climbs down via a rope. "What the heck?" says Fred. Grady has covered his mouth in shock. "Ha! Saying "Walmart" on a commercial airline is a strict violation of trademark law. You owe me a fine of $3,000!" says the worker. "What? No!" says Fred. Grady is now confused.
CRASH "There's the guy who used our trademark in his webcomic! Get him!" "Hold up! I was using it for educational purposes!" "Arrrgh! We'll get you next time, cartoonist! Don't be so cocky about avoiding this little incident."

2019-08-05

2019-07-23

#181: Rotten Fruit

"Hi Max, can I get some rotten fruit?" Fred says to Max at the shop counter. "Sure- Wait, rotten fruit? What for?" says Max. "I'm going to a play." explains Fred. "I see..." says Max. Next panel, an audience including Fred throwing rotten fruit at a performer. BOOOO!
Does anyone really throw ๐ŸŒน at you on stage if you're good and ๐Ÿ… if you're bad? I've only seen that in cartoons.

2019-07-21

#180: Adapters

"Can I have the HDMI to Thunderbolt adapter?" says Max, next to an electric outlet and laptop. "Here." says Alex, handing him the adapter. Next panel: "This tragedy must be stopped! I will invent 1 cable that works for everything! And I will call it... USB!" says Fred. Next panel: Same situation as the first, except Max is saying "Can I have the microUSB to USB-C adapter?"
THE FUTURE: "Can I have the USB-ZN to Thunderbolt-3.349b male-agender adapter?"

2019-07-14

2019-07-08

#177: Random Emoji Combinations

The caption is RANDOM EMOJI COMBINATIONS. There are four combinations of two to three emojis each. The first is ๐Ÿฟ️ + ๐Ÿ‘ = A chipmunk emoji applauding and saying "Yay! Woo!" The next is ๐Ÿคฝ + ๐Ÿ• + ๐Ÿ™Ž = A water polo player holding 2 slices of pizza, saying "This game sucks." Next, ๐Ÿ‘ฉ‍๐Ÿš’ + ๐Ÿ„ = A surfing firefighter putting out a fire. ⛹️ + ๐Ÿฅ„ + ๐Ÿ‘ฎ = A police officer eating a basketball with a spoon. "Yum! Nom..."
All the emojis of the comic: ๐Ÿฟ️๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿคฝ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ™Ž๐Ÿ‘ฉ‍๐Ÿš’๐Ÿ„⛹️๐Ÿฅ„๐Ÿ‘ฎ Comment your favorite emoji combo!

2019-07-04

#176: July 4th


Fred says "Guess what day it is?" Amanda says "Independence Day!" at the same time he says "It's Sidewalk Egg Frying Day! Uh...the thing you said!" "?" says Amanda.
Happy ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ≠๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง Day! And also, Sidewalk Egg Frying Day is a real thing. Google it if you don't believe me.

2019-06-30

#173: Jailbreak

A guy with a mohawk is sitting on top of someone with ragged hair. "Hey we've come to rescue you!" he says to a prisoner in the jail with stubble. "Cool!" says Stubble Guy. In the next panel a red car RRRRR SCREEEE is straining against chains anchored to the jail, which snap. "Um." says Stubble Guy, because there are now chains hanging from the wall of the jail. "Oh well. Bye!" says Mohawk Guy. "Hey, wait!" says Stubble Guy.
Myth busted. You cannot break your partner out of jail like this IRC (in real comics).

2019-06-29

#172: Tesla

"You use that?" says Amanda, pointing to something off-panel. "Yeah. Why?" asks Freed. "That's really out dated. You should get a Tesla." says Amanda. Fred says, "Listen, I'm not gonna switch cars every 3 years. There's always a SMARTER, PRETTIER, FASTER. Marketing tries to trick us into believing we NEED the new car. But mine is GOOD ENOUGH. I don't fall for their tricks." "But..." says Amanda. Fred is proud of his "car". It is revealed the off-panel "car" is actually a camel.
Kids these days, always checking Instagram, and using electricity instead of making candles out of cow fat.

2019-06-26

#171: AI Heist (Part Nine)

Eric the holographic computer is saying, "What-how-", hovering in the air. "GO, GO, GO!" says Max, and Max and Fred try to run through a doorway. Eric says "NO WAY!" and the steel door with caution tape at the bottom SLAMs shut downwards. "Oh no, we're doomed!" says Fred. "Wait...NGHH...CHOMP" says Max and bites a hole in the door, which they jump through. Eric says "Hey! Do you know how much that'll cost to replace?"
< First "What strong jaws you have, Grandma!" "The better for biting holes in steel doors with, dear!"

2019-06-17

#168: AI Heist (Part Six)

Fred is standing in front of a singed wall with a gigantic hole in it. "Let Max go. OR ELSE." he says, picking up an electric Tesla car charger. "I'm not letting Max go. He's a threat to my plans. And why would I be afraid of an electric car charger?" says Cutie Pie. "You asked for it." says Fred. CLICK He turns on the charger and, like a hose, FSSH it shoots out a jet of liquid electricity which zaps Cutie Pie KZZT.
Forms of energy: thermal, chemical, electrical, nuclear, electromagnetic, motion, sound, elastic, gravitational and liquid.

2019-06-10

2019-06-09

#164: AI Heist (Part Two)

Cutie Pie, holding a microSD card, is standing next to some kind of covered hole. "AHAHAHAHAHA! Yess, with this AI I could finally finish the calculations! And take over the world!" BEEP he presses a button. CHUNK the hole opens and a holographic projector emerges VRR BZZ BEEP and projects a holographic laptop, which Cutie Pie takes. "It begins." he says, and plugs the microSD card into the laptop.
Wait, how did you get a holographic laptop? How can you touch it if it's made of light? And why does it have a microSD port?

2019-06-06

#163: AI Heist (Part One)

Max tells Fred, "Hey Fred, come check this out!" He taps a panel next to a door with a light above it. BZZT The door slides upward, the panel and light turning from red to green. FSSH They enter to see a hologram of a circle surrounded by complex patterns. "What is it?" asks Fred. "The world's most powerful AI!" says Max. "Sure hope it doesn't get stolen for malicious purposes." says Fred. CRASH YARGH! Cutie Pie, hanging from a bungee cord, drops through the ceiling, leaving a hole, plaster chunks scattering. Max and Fred are annoyed. Zoom in on Cutie Pie's hand as he takes a microSD 16GB card out of the hologram projector. An arrow pointing to the microSD card declares that it "Contains superintelligent AI". ZWIP Cutie Pie bungees up, grinning. The hologram machine is dark. "That was fast." says Fred. "I'm suprised. Most villains take the monitor too." says Max.
On December 12, 2035, a superintelligent AI was created. It decided to destroy mankind. Someone accidentally tripped over the cord and it shut down.

2019-06-01

#160: How the Calendar was Made

Fred is talking to the months of the year, represented as hovering glowing blue spheres with eyes and similar-looking hands. "So we're gonna probably pay you each 30 days per year. Some of you will get extras. February, you'll only get 28-" "WHAT?!?" screams February. The tired Fred says, "Listen, this is going to be hard. We'll bump it up to 29 when we can. Jan, March, May, July, October, December- you can have the extras." "YAAAAY!" "I WANT ONE!!" says August. "August, we don't have enough for-" begins Fred. August turns purple and picks up the table, spilling drinks and scattering papers. "ARRGH!" he says. "OK, FINE!!" screams Fred. He stands on top of the overturned table, giving a dramatic speech. "Listen, guys. We don't have money. But we have PERSISTENCE. We can make this work if we COOPERATE. That means no more flipping tables. Remember what Alan Turing said -"They may have our horses, and our iPads, but they'll never take our freedom!" "YEAH!" scream most of the months. "wait, what?" says one.
They may take my money, or my cat, but they'll never take my teddy bear! BTW, Happy Pride Month!!! ๐Ÿณ️‍๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿฅณ

2019-05-29

#158: Lazy

"You know, I'm more productive when I'm in a slight rush than no rush at all." says Fred. "Me too." says Elaine. Fred says, "I need to make a scatter plot for this! This could be revolutionary!" runs away, and comes back with a pointer stick pointing to a graph with a scatter plot and red lines. "We are most productive when in a 2-minute rush! This changes everything!" "Wait, what?" says Elaine.
Everyone, fill your day with meetings every 2 minutes and do work in between!

2019-05-28

#157: Good Deal

Elaine says "Honey, I'm ho- AGH!" as she discovers a 12-foot cactus in her living room. "Did you...buy...that?" she asks her husband Grady. "It was on sale!" he says. "But...why?" asks Elaine. "It was on sale." says Grady. "Why do you need it?" asks Elaine. "I don't." says Grady. "But..." says Elaine.
"Look, it was a whopping 2% off! Know how much these things cost? TEN DOLLARS!! Would you pass up a chance like that?" "Yes." "That's not the point!"