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2019-03-31

#116: Puns are Bad (Part Two)

Cutie Pie hops onto a bluebird while holding a bag of money. The bird takes off FZZZ. Alex looks through binoculars. "I see him! Launch!" he says. Spider-Fish hits a button near a catapault with Max in it. It launches Max whee SPROING toward Cutie Pie. POW Max grabs the money bag. Cutie Pie and the bird are knocked apart. "AHH" says Cutie Pie. Max lands. "Got it!" he says. "Great! Let's return it!" says Alex. Meanwhile Cutie Pie hits the ground WHUMP. "WHY? WHY, WORLD, WHY?" he asks the world. "CUZ' REASONS." says the ground. 
"Why must I suffer?" "DUNNO, HOMIE."
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2019-03-30

#115: Puns are Bad (Part One)

Cutie Pie says HEH HEH. He holds up a megaphone. "FREEZE! THIS IS A HOLDUP! GIVE ME ALL THE BANK'S MONEY OR I RECITE AN ENDLESS STREAM OF PUNS!" The person at the counter, who has a mustache, says "I'm sorry, sir, we can't just give all our money to anyone who asks." "All right. We'll do this the hard way. WHAT DID THE FOOTBALL COACH SAY TO THE VENDING MACHINE? GIVE ME MY QUARTER-" says Cutie Pie. "OKAY! HERE'S THE MONEY ARE YOU HAPPY?" says the person at the counter, handing Cutie Pie a large sack of money.
Puns are BAD. You're welcome, bank robbers! I just gave you a new technique.
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2019-03-29

#114: Fred's Storage

Fred is sitting at a counter. "How can I help you?" he says. "I'm looking for my lamp." says Amanda. "Ok! I'll go get it for you now." says Fred. His cheeks bulge. "...You okay?" asks Amanda. BLECH Fred regurgitates a wet lamp. Amanda recoils. "Here's your lamp!" says Fred. "Um..." says Amanda. 
 99 Things that Can Go Wrong when Running a Storage Business that Uses Human Stomachs as Storage; The Handbook for People who Can Regurgitate Large Objects And Are Thinking of Running a Storage Business provides useful information on the topic.
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2019-03-28

#113: Matrix

"Hey, look! Medicine!" says Fred, holding a jar of red pills. "Don't-" says Grady but Fred pops one into his mouth and with a ZAP POOF he reappears next to Morpheus wearing sunglasses and having a goatee. "Hello, Fred. Take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes, or the blue pill, and you can wake up, and other stuff." He holds up a red and blue pill. "I'll take EVERYTHING!" says Fred, proceeding to swallow Morpheus' sunglasses and pills. SNARF GULP Morpheus is annoyed, understandably. "Got anything else?" asks Fred. Morpheus crosses his arms and says "You know what, just forget it. You're staying in the Matrix." 
Take the red pill, the blue pill, the yellow pill, the orange pill, the green pill, the nonexistent pill, the black pill, the fish oil pill, the red-yellow pill, or the white pill.

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2019-03-27

#112: Oh, Dorothy!

The caption is WIZARD OF OZ: EPIC FAIL AD-LIBS. There are three panels, all in which the same scene where Dorothy is standing next to a fairy with a white dress and a wand. Each of the fairies are saying "Oh, Dorothy! You've always had the power to go home! Just tap your slippers and say blank 3 times." Except each fairy is telling her to say something different. The top fairy tells her to say "I agree to the Terms of Service" with Terms of Service being a hyperlink. The middle fairy tells her to say the tongue twister "Shelly sells sea shells by the sea shore". Then the bottom fairy tells her to say "🙂🚗🌳\U+�▯K12-_4//~.2". 
*takes a deep breath* "🙂🚗🌳\U+�▯K12-_4//~.2, 🙂🚗🌳\U+�▯K12-_4//~.2, 🙂🚗🌳\U+�▯K12-_4//~.2!"

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2019-03-26

#111: Hefty Pepper

"Look! The Harry Potter remake is coming out!" says Fred, pointing to a green poster that says HEFTY PEPPER VS MAGIC GUY'S ROCK!!! With a black-haired boy with a red lightning bolt cut and glasses and a wand labled HEFTY!, a redhaired goofy kid labeled RON!, a blond kid called HERMIONE! and an owl HEDWIG!! THE HERO! APRIL 1, 2019 "Do the people making this movie even know what Harry Potter IS?" asks Amanda. "Probably not." shrugs Fred. "Wanna see it with me?" 
Hefty Pepper fans across the globe are bursting with excitement! They've already started Hefty Pepper Wiki.

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2019-03-23

#110: Error: Message Vetoed

Fred gets a text message from Max that shows a cat with sunglasses and 'SUP. Fred tries to reply lol. "Sending..." It shows an error. "Error: Text message "lol" was vetoed by Supreme Court. A lawyer will be with you shortly." "?!?" says Fred. 
*tries to video call instead* Error: The FaceTime Pigeons of Light are on strike. Until they get more pay, FaceTime will be down.

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2019-03-22

#109: Peacocks (Part Eight)

Fred is looking at a hologram that says "Please enter 4-digit PIN to confirm self-destruct." "Um...uh...STAPLES!" he says. He gets out a stapler. "Whee!" he says as he vigorously staples the screen. CHUNK CHUNK CHUNK CHUNK. "STAPLES CLOGGING MAINFRAME!" says the now-smoking hologram. "MAY EXPLODE" "Uh oh." says Fred. Spider-Fish descends and says "Hey Fred? Hang on to me." ZWIP Fred grabs Spider-Fish and they ascend as staples POP out of the hologram and hit a red button which starts smoking SSSS RRR KABOOM. Everything blows up and three peacocks with goggles watch. 
 Staples solve everything! Staples staples staples.
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2019-03-21

#108: Peacocks (Part Seven)

Three peacocks are guarding a red button with a barbed wire fence around it. Next to them is a rock which Fred is hiding behind. "Okay, Max. Attacking in 3...2...1...CHARGE!" he says as he rushes towards the peacocks, lasers everywhere PEW PEW PEW! Now we see Max dumping rabbits out of a hat on a blue helicopter that says "PEACOCK & LASER-PROOF" and is driven by Spider-Fish and Alex. "RABBITS GO!" says Max. "charge!" says one of the rabbits. "whee" says another. They rush toward the peacocks. They get in a fight and Fred rushes past them jumps towards the button YAAA and presses it CLICK. It shoots out a beam of light SHING. It projects a screen that says To confirm self-destruct Please enter admin 4-digit PIN. "Oh no..." says Fred. 
4-digit PINs always ruin everything when you're trying to destroy a facility that relays power to laser-eyed peacocks. No bunnies were hurt in the making of this comic.

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2019-03-20

#107: Peacocks (Part Six)

A CRASH comes from the top-right corner. Alex and Max and Spider-Fish are looking in that direction. "What was that?!" says Spider-Fish. Fred comes onto the panel. "Hi guys!" says Fred. "Fred! Glad you made it!" says Max, jumping. "Yeah, but...We need defense if we're beating those peacocks." says Fred. "There's a self-destruct switch for the power relay. If we can use it, the peacocks' lasers won't have power and they'll be harmless. But we need someone to hold them off." "?" says Max. "Basically, there's a switch to turn off the peacocks' lasers but the peacocks are guarding it." "I have just the thing!" says Max holding a top hat. "A magic hat?" says Fred. FOOSH a jet of bunnies comes out. "Wow." says Fred. 
Fred arrives and explains that there's a switch to turn off the peacocks' lasers - AGH BUNNIES BUNNIES BUNNIES!! TURN IT OFF!!!!

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2019-03-19

#106: Peacocks (Part Five)

Alex, Max and Spider-Fish, who is in a web connected to poles, are on the panel. In the background is a vault door. Alex says, "So you're saying...you created a hypothetical you, who created an evil hypothetical you, who created evil peacocks who are now out in the world?" "Yup." says Max. Close-up on Alex. "We've gotta warn the world!" he says. He whips out a red button that says WARN THE WORLD and presses it. BEEP. Meanwhile, we see a close-up of Fred. "?" says Fred. His phone buzzes. He looks at it. On facetweet, @autowarneveryone has posted "Just to let everyone know, evil peacocks are loose. #ohno #aaaaaaa EvilPerson132 and 992 others liked this" Then he hears a knocking on his red door. He looks through the peephole and sees peacocks with laser-eyes. "!!" he says. Then an efficient light bulb hovers over his head as he has an idea, and he runs upstairs. We see him taking off in a blue helicoper that says "PEACOCK & LASER-PROOF". "Lucky I have this, really." he says as the peacocks shoot lasers at him PEW PEW PEW. 
World, you have been Warned. Via Facetweet.
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2019-03-18

#105: Peacocks (Part Four)

"If only I had a sandwich." says Max. Max thinks about himself eating a sandwich. The sandwich-Max says "Mm. Now if only I had a car..." The newly imagined car-Max says "Yay!" in his car. He drives through the thought bubbles, making both car-Max and sandwich-Max real. "Now I will rule the world with my army of peacocks!" says car-Max. "You can't do that!" says Max. Car-Max thinks about laser-eyed peacocks, who immediately laser the thought bubble and get out. SKREE! SKREE! "AHH" says Max being chased by peacocks. "Just you wait." says car-Max and leaves with a SCREECH of his tires. 
When hypothetical peacocks become real. Everyone's worst nightmare. 😈
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2019-03-17

#104: Peacocks (Part Three)

Spider-Fish, Alex, and Max shoot into the air on a web with lasers missing them PEW PEW PEW PEW. HERE WE GO! AHHHH "Almost there..." says Spider-Fish as they start to land. OOF they land next to a bunker. Spider-Fish, hanging from the sky on a web, checks her eye on a retinal scanner. *BZZZ* It turns green and the door unlocks. CLICK BEEP. They go in as the door swings open. It slams behind them. Close-up of Spider-Fish on a purple background. "SO." she says. We zoom in a little more. There is now a red background. "IT BEGINS." she says. 
Max, Alex, and Spider-Fish make it to a peacock-proof safehouse.

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2019-03-15

#103: Peacocks (Part Two)

PEW PEW PEW Lasers are firing at Alex and Max. "We'll be fried!" cries Alex. "I know just who to call. Oh, SPIDER-FISH!" says Max. A FEW BLOCKS AWAY... is the caption as we see a pond with seaweed and an underwater spider web with Spider-Fish in the middle. Spider-Fish hears Max. "DID I JUST HEAR A CRY FOR HELP?" says Spider-Fish. She zooms into the air on a web. "HERE I COMMME!" PEW a laser cuts Spider-Fish's airborne web. "What the- AAAAA" she says as she falls from the sky. She knocks Alex and Max out of the way of a laser WHUMP PEW. "What was THAT?" cries Spider-Fish now hanging from a web. "Peacocks. Listen, can you get us to some kind of laser-proof bunker ASAP?" asks Alex. "That's what I'm here for! Buckle up." says Spider-Fish. 
The Peacocks strike back. Pew pew pew.

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2019-03-14

#102: Peacocks (Part One)

Max is panting and running towards Alex. "THEY'RE COMING FOR US!!" he shouts. "Who?" asks Alex. Close-up on Max's face. "The army." says Max. We zoom in more. Max is angry. "THE ARMY OF PEACOCKS." PEW a laser hits one of the hairs on Alex's head, which smokes. "What the-" says Alex. Peacocks with laser goggles come into the scene and shoot lasers. PEW PEW PEW "RUN!!" says Max. Alex and Max exit the scene. More peacocks arrive. PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW 
Peacocks. Shall. Triumph. Happy Pi Day. It won't last for long before the peacock apocalypse.
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2019-03-13

#101: Negative Saltines (Part Six)

Elaine is screaming and falling through the AHHHH air. Then *WHUMP* she lands on a donkey made out of lava snorting snoke. "A fire donkey?" she says. Then it takes off "AAA" she says clinging to it. ZOOM it's a streak of light zooming into the air. It lands with a FOOMP. "You made it!" says Fred. Elaine is coughing and covered in soot. "Let's go get some saltines." she says, now clean. "the end" "Until next comic!" says Fred in the background.
 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *UMPH*
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2019-03-12

#100: 100 Comics

100 is written in purple and italics, Comics is below it written in blue, and three exclamation points written in green below Comics. Amanda, Alex, Max, Fred and a character with many arms and legs, scraggly hair, and holding blue goggles are sitting on the words. Elaine is hanging from the M. Spider-Fish is hanging from a web on the first 0. Max is chatting with Time. 
My 100th comic!!!!!!!

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2019-03-11

#99: Negative Saltines (Part Five)

"This is the way out?" says Elaine skeptically, on the edge of a cliff holding a persimmon. Fred and Max are also there. Max is wearing a sash with a persimmon on it. We zoom out to see the cliff has lava in front of it. "Yup. You jump, and the fire donkeys will catch you." We zoom in a little on the cliff so that we cannot see the lava. "Whee!" says Fred, jumping over the edge. "Isn't there another way out?" asks Elaine. We see Elaine and Max on a green background. "Mom, there are only two ways back home. Those fire donkeys, and... I don't remember Way #2, but it wasn't great." says Max. We see Elaine on a blue background, filled with determination. "Okay. I'M READY.[citation needed] HOLD MY PERSIMMON, PLEASE." says Elaine. Close-up of Elaine's legs as she hops off the cliff. "AHH" she says as she falls. We see an Ad (5:00) with a play symbol. "BARNEY'S USED TIRE DELIVERY! 50% off" it says, with a picture of a rolling tire. 
Call 1-800-TIRE-THINGIES today!


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2019-03-10

#98: Negative Saltines (Part Four)

Max with a sash with a persimmon on it and red glowing goggles, Fred, and Elaine holding a persimmon walk into a dark room. "NGG..." says Max as he takes off his goggles which stop glowing with a POP. "MAX?" says Elaine, surprised. "Hi, Mom." says Max. "What are you doing here?" asks Elaine. Max replies "I'm Celestial Manager, remember? I work here! I need this persimmon 'cause I'm a mortal. How'd you get here?" he asks, pointing. "We had -1 saltines and suddenly a portal opened." says Elaine. "Another glitch. I'll talk to Time about it. First, let's get you out of here." says Max. 
Coming soon: the Fire Donkeys return!


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2019-03-09

#97: Negative Saltines (Part Three)

Fred is in the dark. "I can't see where we're going." he says. "Just keep going a little longer..." says Elaine from off-panel. We now see both of them walking in a ray of dim light towards a doorway. "There's light up ahead." says Elaine. They enter a room with strange beings called Celestial Managers typing on laptops, sitting in chairs, and wearing goggles, always with many limbs and sometimes with many eyes. One with blue goggles and chair spots them and says "!!" We close-up on her. "HEY! A MORTAL!" she says in a strange font, taking off her goggles and pointing. "MORTAL?" says a voice from off-panel. We now close-up on the other two Celestial Managers, both with their goggles off. "GO AWAY!" says one with three eyes. "GET THEM!" says one with two eyes. "HEY!" says a voice from off-panel. Close-up on a persimmon sailing through the air. TOSS "CATCH!" says the voice. Elaine catches it with Fred watching. THP "A persimmon?" she says. Now they are both looking at Max wearing red goggles and a sash with a persimmon on it. "Come with me." he says. There is a doorway behind him. 
The persimmon saves the day. #persimmon

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2019-03-08

#96: Negative Saltines (Part Two)

Fred and Elaine are blurred and stretched. AAAAAA they say. Then they say UMPH. "Where are we?" says Elaine, dizzy. "NGG..." says Fred, flat against the ground. We zoom out to see a large warehouse, with "WELCOME TO UNIVERSE HQ!" in red. "WE'RE HIRING!" is in blue. "PHYSICS BROKEN? CALL 314-159-2653" is in black. "You're going in?" says Fred. "Where else would we go?" says Elaine, walking in the doorway. There is a sign next to Fred. We zoom in and see the sign says "no mortals, except those with special persimmon" with a red cross over Amanda, a bird, and a cat. "Okay..." says Fred, walking in.

Yes, I meant to say "persimmon". To be continued...
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2019-03-07

#95: Negative Saltines (Part One)

Fred is standing next to a table with an empty plate. He takes a saltine off the plate and eats it. Elaine enters and says "Uh oh. Did you take a saltine from there?" "Yeah." says Fred. "There weren't any saltines there." says Elaine. "Which means..." Fred says, thinking. "...we have -1 saltines." finishes Elaine. Fred says "?" as the plate glows blue ZZZ with electricity coming off of it. Then, FWOOM. In an explosion of light, ghostly blue saltines appear and also -1 numbers. Elaine, Fred, and the table are blurred.
Yum, -1 saltines. 

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2019-03-06

#94: Wet

"Hi cuz! Really rainy out there, huh?" says Fred with yellow boots on. He is inside a house. The red door is open and it is raining hard. "Gotta empty out my boots..." he says, sitting on a chair. He takes them off and dumps water out with a SPLOOSH. But when water keeps coming, Fred says "?" and Elaine says "Um..." The water comes up to their waists and the chair is now floating. 
 Never-ending boot rainwater. I'm sure they'll figure out how to get rid of it.
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2019-03-05

#93: Life Hack

The title is LIFE HACK. Close-up of Fred. "If you like donuts, try this trick!" he says. "Mix self-rising yeast and vingear in a bowl." he says, mixing a greenish liquid in a blue mixing bowl. Next to him is a table with a bottle of brown liquid, a box with a golden wheat stalk on it, and a bottle of green liquid. "Microwave on high for 30s." A microwave with the bowl inside it, and on the screen 0:28. "Cover in warm dish towel and sprinkle with chalk." Fred sprinkles chalk on the bowl, covered in a dish towel. A closeup of Fred. "Every Tuesday for a month, remind it that Lord Voldemort will rise again, more powerful than ever before." He is now wearing a witch hat, next to a frothing cauldron over a red fire. The window shows the full moon. He says, "On the full moon, add wart of newt, skin of snake, tongue of cow, handle of rake..." "This is supposed to be a life hack?" asks Amanda, peeking in. 
After Fred published this on YouTube, he gained 984 subscribers in an hour.

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